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Narcissism is an overwhelming and confusing topic. But when you reveal its mask, you see that it is basically a lie, told to those who are vulnerable.
Narcissistic abuse, by nature, is designed to keep you trapped in shame-based vertigo. It doesn’t just go away because you know it exists. Narcissism creates a set of beliefs, behaviours and paradigms in its target which must be changed from the inside.
Whether you are dealing with a narcissistic lover, parent, husband, wife, friend, boss or colleague, the same philosophy will apply. After reading ‘How To Kill A Narcissist’, you will:
Using an inside-out approach, ‘How To Kill A Narcissist’ presents the seven practices for recovery and healing from a narcissistic relationship:
Each practice is designed to instil you with independence, strength, emotional resilience and awareness while allowing you to cultivate balanced, loving relationships and pursue a life of passion.
This is the art of killing a narcissist.
Man is free at the moment he wishes to be.
The fact that you’re reading this book means you’re onto something. Maybe a particular event burst the bubble and a small gap opened up as a result. A gap in what, you’re not sure, but you felt it. It happened when a significant person in your life went that little bit too far, and you finally said to yourself: ‘This is not normal. Why am I tolerating this crap?’ You didn’t really know what normal was, but you knew that the union which you have with this person is definitely not it.
Through this small gap which opened up, you may have begun to realise some or all of the following about your relationship:
Then one thing leads to another, and you find yourself googling ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder’. You read a few articles, and your jaw drops. After the initial shock wears off, you investigate further. You read the forums, and you realise that a countless number of people share your experience. You learn the lingo; gas-lighting, idealise, devalue, discard, triangulation, hoovering and baiting. You put the pieces together and begin to see that many of these tactics have been done to you at some stage. It’s like your life story is being told to you. You begin to wonder: can this be true? Do people like this really exist? You read on. Finally, it hits you with full force. You realise that you’re not crazy; what you’ve been experiencing all this time is definitely real. People like this do exist. Not only do they exist in the world, they exist in your world. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry. You feel rage, sadness and despair, and a little bit of relief. You walk around with a sense of lightness, but also with a sense of having been stained somehow. Your entire reality has been turned on its head. You start questioning your core instincts. You realise that the relationship dynamics which you accepted and took as gospel are both unhealthy and grossly manipulative. You start to look at people differently. You monitor their behaviour, even that of the people you have known for years or a lifetime. The picture is not entirely clear. What is clear, however, is that you have a problem with narcissists and you’re only just waking up to it.
What you might not have realised is that monitoring the behaviours of others, while important, is not enough. Staying on the surface will only serve to get you mixed up in drama after drama and will keep you guessing as to what’s normal and what’s narcissistic. The crucial thing to realise is that the tactics which you have been subjected to are just the tip of the problem; it goes much deeper. The core of the problem is often much harder to see.
Also, if you think it’s as simple as walking away, guess again: The way out is not an actual road which leads to a new life and exciting adventures. You might have already suspected this. It was not a coincidence that you found yourself in this position to begin with. You are still carrying the same beliefs, behaviours and paradigms. You can walk away from a partner, or distance yourself from certain family members, choose a new set of friends, or quit a job, but in time you’ll end up in the arms of another narcissist, or eventually back under the control of the same narcissist. To make lasting changes, you will need a strategy.
As the title points out, this book is a 101 on how to kill a narcissist. No, we’re not discussing actual murder! This is about understanding the core of the problem, not just the symptoms. It’s about seeing the core of the problem in the narcissist, and the core of the problem in you. This is about becoming conscious of what makes you a target for narcissists. It’s about shifting your paradigms so you can begin to separate yourself from the problem. It’s also about obtaining new internal resources which narcissists don’t want you to develop, mainly because these resources make you less susceptible to their control. It’s about developing a new belief set. It’s about educating yourself, and as a result, empowering yourself. It’s about developing your own autonomous identity, free of shame and guilt; a fortress which nobody will be able to access without your explicit permission and unless they offer you the due respect. With time, your new resources and beliefs will allow you to hop over to the sunny, narcissism-free side of the street. So in a way, yes, we are going to kill some narcissists. More specifically, we’re going to starve them to death by taking away their narcissistic supply. And it all starts with you.
Terms such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Sociopath, Psychopath and Narcopath are the labels typically associated with narcissism. With extreme levels of narcissism, it can be helpful to have such labels. Violent, destructive and acutely manipulative people should be placed in a pigeonhole to remind us that only physical distance can protect us from them. Dealing with the most violent and sadistic of narcissists is beyond the scope of this book, however. Being forced to go no contact, restraining orders and post-traumatic stress disorder are not light topics. Personality disorders and domestic abuse are also beyond the scope of this book. Professional help should be sought when dealing with such issues.
Most narcissists sit more in the middle band, and at first glance seem harmless. The damage done by your average narcissist seeps in like a slow acting poison. Being in a relationship with a narcissist causes untold damage, without them necessarily swindling you of all your money or becoming violent. A lot of narcissists subject their target to the slow, painful death by narcissism - without criminal intent. They do most of their damage through emotional abuse, by shaming and manipulating their target to enforce control.
This book focuses on the narcissist archetype. This archetype applies to the father or mother who fills their own needs by objectifying their children and keeping them both subjugated and trapped in a psychological cage. It applies to the friend who loves having weaker people around just so they can ridicule them and feel powerful around them, as well as feed off them for narcissistic supply. It relates to the lover who objectifies and keeps their partner trapped in an agonising emotional storm. It applies to the boss who charms, controls, frightens and objectifies his employees with the intention of reinforcing their power in the workplace. This book focuses on narcissism as not only an archetype but also as a regime; a structure with strict rules aimed at objectifying and subjugating others for narcissistic supply. This book tries to leave the popular labels and theory behind so that the heart and soul of narcissism can be clearly seen without the external layers to muddy the view.
For the sake of simplicity, the term narcissist will be employed in this book. Narcissist regime will refer to the structure between two or more people where a person controls others and extracts narcissistic supply, either through a position of power such as parenthood or a management position or through emotional manipulation in a relationship. Often it is a combination of both, where a position of power gives a narcissist the licence to control their target and emotional manipulation enforces the control on a more personal level.
On the other hand, the target of the narcissist will not be given a special label, since that would pigeonhole them and define them in comparison to the narcissist, hence keeping them trapped in the game. The entire purpose of this book is to assist the targets of narcissism in breaking free, reminding them that their identity does indeed exist outside of a narcissist regime and encourages them to define their identity and self-worth according to their own choosing. Again, for the sake of simplicity, the term target will be used in combination with you, which addresses the reader as a person who can relate to the content. This provides us with a useful label that is not based on subjugation or a role. Anybody can be a target of something. Being so does not influence one’s identity.
Lastly, it is crucial that we view narcissism itself as the enemy, and not designate specific people as evil. Although extremely difficult in some cases, hatred for the narcissist keeps us stuck and leads to us surrendering our personal power. We must remember that beneath the behaviours and beliefs we are all human beings. It is specifically this humanity in us which is the gateway to a life of strength and peace and which separates us from the perils of narcissism. Furthermore, narcissism can be handed down for generations and be so ingrained in the family dynamic that there is no awareness by anybody that it is going on, including the narcissist. Many people learnt narcissism through abuse from a parent or loved one. It is also argued that some people are simply born with a reduced capacity for shame, and narcissism as well as manipulation are a natural outcome of this. To top it all off, we need to remember that we are all capable of narcissism if we stray too far from our inherent humanity.
Make no mistake, narcissism is a horrible thing. But the finger should be kept pointed solely at the disease, and never the person. Yes, how you treat a person will change when they exhibit narcissistic behaviours, but as this book will explain, once we have identified narcissistic tendencies in a person, the next step will be to bring the focus away from that person and then inward into ourselves, where change can happen.
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© JH Simon