The Core Of The Narcissist

To make us feel small in the right way is a function of art; men can only make us feel small in the wrong way.

- E. M. Forster

The majority of humans are willingly influenced by their emotions. Some more than others. Empathy allows us to feel the plight of another person and want to help them. Shame regulates our grandiosity, and reminds us that we’re not gods who need everyone to bow down to us, but rather that we are humans with flaws who need to get along and who are in need of constant improvement and adjustment. Guilt forces us to reflect on our wrong actions and make amends. These feelings can be painful, but they are also good. They help us maintain healthy relationships, to coexist and to create a better world.

Narcissists don’t give a shit about any of that. They couldn’t care less about your feelings. As far as they are concerned, feelings are not about creating a harmonious society or fostering fulfilling relationships - they are a way to control you. Gas-lighting, triangulation and hoovering are the subtle and often not so subtle techniques that narcissists use to control their targets through emotions. Saying a certain thing in a certain way can set off the emotions of their target and cause them to react. Narcissists are well aware of this. Tactics, however, crucial as they are to know, are focused on what the narcissist does. What we need to first understand,...