A symptom of narcissistic abuse which acts under the radar is the chronic feeling of walking on eggshells — of questioning every tiny action you make. Whether you decide to brush your hair a different way or are stacking dishes, you seem to have this pervasive anxiety that you are doing things wrong. On top of that, you have an unshakeable urge to look to an external authority to tell you the ‘right’ way to act, to live life, even the right way to be yourself.
Targets of narcissistic abuse are like fish swimming in the waters of incompetence and inferiority. They rarely question this state of mind, experiencing it as a core aspect of who they are. It is as though they were born that way.
In truth, this mindset is the outcome of a systematic psychological assault — by someone who must hold superiority at all times. Not only will the narcissist refuse to share the authority over your relationship, they insist on becoming the authority over you.
Using three steps, narcissists corrode their target’s self-esteem, willpower and agency; reducing the target to being a passenger in their own life.
The narcissist achieves this as follows:
1. They Turn On The Spotlight
The narcissist is always watching. You feel the heat of their judging stare on you at all times. Their probing questions and comments can come at any moment:
“Why are you doing it that way?”
“Do you have to do that now?”
“Are you sure that’s how it’s done?”
“I’ve got a better way of doing that.”
“Did you do _______ first?”
“I told you not to do that.”
The narcissist constantly puts you under the microscope, until you are forced to question yourself before every step. The narcissist’s aim is to assault your critical thinking before replacing it with their voice.
Developing agency in your life is a process of trial and error. While someone may be able to pre-empt missteps and help you correct course early, there is enormous value in learning from your mistakes. Furthermore, we all have a creative drive within us which is stunted when others interject in our work on a problem or task. Having agency means feeling ownership over your willpower, and gaining the confidence to guide it with your inner good sense and wisdom. Self-actualisation demands that we have the space and freedom to ‘mess up’.
The narcissist’s true aim when they shine a spotlight on you is not to help you grow; it is about maintaing control. The narcissist requires an iron grip over the relationship, and what better way to achieve it than to reduce you to a child-like state?
By hobbling your sense of agency and crushing your willpower, the narcissist makes you less likely to develop the personal power to stand up to them. If left unchecked, the searing heat of the narcissist’s spotlight weighs down your confidence with shame, leaving you paralysed and unable to develop momentum in your life.
2. They Steal Your Frame
The idea of being your own authority can feel foreign to targets of narcissism. The target’s agency and self-esteem might be so thoroughly corroded, they lose sight of the fact that control over their life belongs to them.
A narcissist begins by establishing a previously non-existent frame of authority; telling the story of how they are the wisest and most competent. Next, the narcissist will go about interjecting their newly-established authority against your will.
Consider the act of driving, which is an apt metaphor for being your own authority. The narcissist may begin constantly commenting on how much of a good driver they are. Better than most people. You might say that they are unnaturally gifted at driving.
Any normal person might think in the back of their mind: I should hope they’re a good driver? Why are they bringing this up so much?
The narcissist brings up such things to frame themselves as the ‘higher authority’. As the narcissist sets their ‘better driver’ frame, you will subliminally begin to feel like the inferior driver. Where you used to drive without a care in the world, you now catch yourself analysing your actions behind the wheel.
Eventually, the narcissist will be in the car with you, watching you intently while you drive. Slowly, they will catch on to your ‘mistakes’ and make sure to tell you about them. “Careful.” “Go in this lane.” “Why are you so close to that car?”
Having had the frame of authority over your own driving hijacked and turned against you, you begin to feel like a teenager in front of the wheel for the first time, being directed by your ‘driving instructor’.
What is fascinating about this process is how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. By taking on the identity as the ‘inferior’ driver and questioning yourself, you are more likely to make mistakes, which reinforces the vicious cycle, hence further corroding your self-belief.
In extreme cases, even your safety might come at risk. A close call on the road might lead to you not wanting to drive anymore at all.
3. They Set The ‘Rules’
Order is important. Making your bed in the morning, keeping the hallway clear of shoes, maintaining a minimal level of cleanliness. None of that hurts, right?
A narcissist takes order and dials up the pressure until you feel like you’re walking through a minefield. The narcissist demands nothing short of perfection. They may micro manage every facet of your life, including how you groom and dress yourself, between which hours the blinds need to be open or closed, down to the precise position the car should be parked.
What exposes a narcissist is not their insistence on order, but how they weaponise it to ensure a sense of control and superiority. Many of the narcissist’s rules are arbitrary, or even pointless. Their rules can also be conflicting or hypocritical, where the narcissist is fine with what they decide to do, but adamant against something else you do which is similar. A narcissist could insist on closing the toilet cover and door after every use to keep the smell away, for example, but will then pass gas right next to you and laugh about it.
The narcissist’s rules, above all, are defined by their overbearingness. Rule upon rule creates a ‘tyranny of order’ which sucks the joy out of life rather than making it easier to navigate.
Restoring Your Rightful Position
Narcissists, psychopaths as well as borderlines with overlays of narcissism and psychopathy are especially adept at hijacking the authority. You will never ‘claim the high ground’ with these people. Establishing and maintaining control is their bread and butter; a game they enjoy which you will find frustrating at best.
For one, narcissists are the kings and queens of their narcissistic ‘realm’. In this custom-made maze of suffocating morality, they know every turn, every protocol, every entry and exit. Narcissists are highly-skilled at establishing and maintaining domination over others by finding and exploiting their weak spots.
To top it off, most people simply want to let their hair down with their loved ones and enjoy life. Nobody wants to worry about policing others 24/7 or being policed themselves. In comparison, the narcissist craves control. Their enjoyment comes from the sadistic pleasure of claiming the ‘higher ground’. Even if you could ‘beat’ them at their own game, would you want to?
If you have been subjected to such abuse during the early years of your life, you need to be careful, as your conditioning makes you vulnerable to having the authority over you hijacked.
To begin with, it’s important to be aware of the ways a narcissist hijacks your personal authority. Calling them out on it is one strategy, while doing the opposite of what they insist on is another. Yet in both cases, you are validating their frame by acknowledging its existence. The narcissist’s world is crazy-making. Engage with it at your own peril.
During the healing process, it is crucial that you establish separate spaces where you can exercise your agency and feel free to ‘make mistakes’. Embrace the idea that authority over your life belongs to you and only you.
Be mindful of the narcissist’s interjections. Find joy in the flow of life, and allow yourself the freedom to be imperfect. If you insist on this over and over, and defend your personal autonomy with powerful enough boundaries, the narcissist will either distance themselves from you, or fall into line.
Perhaps with enough healing, being in joy and flow will come so naturally to you, you will find yourself flying over the narcissist’s ridiculous maze of authority, while continuing your journey towards a satisfying life. With or without them.