People often discover a narcissist long after the fact; after they have been discarded and humiliated. This inevitably raises the question: Is there a quick way to determine if someone is a narcissist? The answer to this is yes, with some caveats.
The first thing to consider is whether a person might be a grandiose, overt narcissist, or a fragile, covert narcissist.
Let us start by considering the signs of an overt narcissist, and go from there:
The ‘Divine’ Approach
An overt narcissist approaches people all the time. From the perspective of the unwitting target, they merely see a curious set of bright eyes looking at them. The approach itself seems spontaneous, as though this person had no choice but to approach you due to your ‘special’ nature. It is as though you were a lonely planet, drifting through outer space, before a bright comet lit up the sky and landed on your fertile soil.
The target does not realise that this person had carefully chosen them not because they were special, but because they appeared to be easy narcissistic supply.
A narcissist typically looks for two things: Insecurity, and life. Your insecurity is what allows the narcissist to bypass your boundaries, and the energy within you provides them with narcissistic supply. That is, they first gain your attention, then they extract your energy to feed their ego by coverting that attention into active engagement.
The first sign of an overt narcissist is the random, spontaneous arrival of a total stranger who seems confident in themselves and overly interested in you.
The Endless Monologue
The overt narcissist sparks the interaction with a curious question, or by voicing something they like about you, or by stating that they saw you before. From there, they move quickly to flood your consciousness with words to force your attention and engagement onto them. This is the beginning of the monologue.
An overt, grandiose narcissist speaks quickly and constantly. Having been softened by the narcissist’s bright energy and intense focus on you, you feel obliged to listen. Before you know it, you find yourself dragged along on a meandering conversation, unsure exactly how you found yourself on this endless river of words.
Deep down you feel uneasy. Doubts emerge somewhere in the back of your mind. Yet you push all of this away, excited that this seemingly confident, high-value person is now talking to you. You do not want to miss your opportunity. And besides, a person is talking to you. It would be rude not to pay them attention.
The second sign of an overt, grandiose narcissist is finding yourself in a one-sided conversation with a total stranger.
One exception to this is when you are speaking to someone who is on the autism spectrum. If you spot only the monologuing and none of the other behaviours, it could well be the case that they are autistic and unaware of when to stop speaking.
Invitation Bombing
After oxygen and food, the overt narcissist’s most crucial need is narcissistic supply. Therefore, they know that once you leave, they will need more of their most important drug. So they begin to lay the groundwork to meet you again, hoping to secure ongoing narcissistic supply.
As a result, you might notice numerous invitations peppered throughout the monologue. They might invite you to meet their friends, or join some group, or suggest you keep in touch. Narcissists appear to be hospitable and magnanimous ‘hosts’, able to welcome you into their social, wonderful world. For example, an overt, grandiose narcissist might set up a movie night, and have over two dozen people come, many of them acquaintances.
The third sign of an overt narcissist is numerous invitations in a short time soon after meeting them.
Over The Top Compliments
Finally, the narcissist needs you excited to see them again. The cherry on top of the interaction will be flattery and compliments. They might simply tell you that they ‘like’ you, or compliment your outfit, or mention how different you are to other people. This usually comes at the end of the interaction, leaving you floating on air and eager to see this ‘magical’ person again.
Spotting A Covert Narcissist
To know a grandiose, overt narcissist quickly and with enough certainty, you will need all of the above to appear in a short burst of time. Normally, a person would be slow to warm up to others, taking the time to actually learn about them before deciding if they want this person in their social circle. After all, how can you ‘like’ someone you barely know? How can you like someone who you did not even allow to speak?
These questions barely register with the target of a narcissist. The confidence of the narcissist, their blistering curiosity, their flattery and their world of opportunity are too tempting to pass up.
If you notice these behaviours and nonetheless feel drawn to the stranger before you, then congratulations, you have managed to spot two narcissists: The first is the overt, grandiose narcissist before you, and the other, is the latent, undeveloped covert narcissist inside you. For many targets of narcissism, this is a missing piece of the puzzle they refuse to see.
A well-adjusted person grounded in reality would see this bizarre show taking place before them and kindly excuse themselves from the interaction. A person who entertains an overt, grandiose narcissist, however, does so because they were overcome by their thirst for validation and attention. The narcissist chose them for a reason, and that reason lies within the target’s shadow.
An overt, grandiose narcissist is someone who has taken their ego-based pathology and nurtured it into a fully-grown Venus flytrap. Recall that healthy narcissism is necessary to function in this world. There is nothing wrong with the target’s desire for attention and connection. However, their overwhelming thirst typically emerged early in life due to emotional neglect and abuse, stunting their ability to develop their narcissism in a sustainable way. Toxic shame then flooded in, driving their narcissistic urge underground, creating the seed of covert narcissism which remained outside of their awareness. Remember this the next time you find yourself spontaneously being taken under the wing of a random, ‘amazing’ stranger.