How To Know A Narcissist in 5 Minutes

People often only discover a narcissist long after the fact — once they have been abused, humiliated and discarded. This inevitably raises the question: Is there a quick way to tell if someone is a narcissist? The answer to this is yes, with some caveats.

The first thing to consider is whether a person might be a grandiose, overt narcissist, or a fragile, covert narcissist.

Let us start by considering the signs of an overt narcissist, and go from there:

Spotting An Overt Narcissist

1. The ‘Divine’ Approach

An overt narcissist approaches people all the time. From the perspective of the unwitting target, they merely see a pair of bright, curious eyes looking at them. The approach seems spontaneous, as though this person had no choice but to talk to you due to your ‘special’ nature. It is as though you were a lonely planet, drifting through outer space, before a bright comet lit up the sky and landed on your fertile soil.

However, the target does not realise that this person had carefully chosen them not because they were special, but because they appeared to be an easy source of narcissistic supply.

A narcissist typically looks for two things: Insecurity, and life. Any displays of low self-esteem allow the narcissist to bypass your boundaries, and the energy within you provides them with narcissistic supply. That is, they first gain your attention, then they extract your energy to feed their ego by converting that attention into active engagement.

The first sign of an overt narcissist is the random, spontaneous arrival of a total stranger who seems confident in themselves and overly interested in you.

2. The Endless Monologue

The overt narcissist sparks the interaction with a curious question, or by voicing something they like about you, or by stating that they have seen you before. From there, they move quickly to flood your consciousness with words to force your attention and engagement onto them. This is the beginning of the monologue.

An overt, grandiose narcissist speaks quickly and constantly. Having been softened by the narcissist’s bright energy and intense focus on you, you feel obliged to listen. Before you know it, you find yourself dragged along on a meandering conversation, unsure exactly how you ended up on this endless river of words.

Deep down you feel uneasy. Doubts emerge somewhere in the back of your mind. Yet you push all of it away, excited that this seemingly confident, high-value person is now talking to you. You do not want to miss your opportunity. And besides, a person is talking to you. It would be rude not to pay them attention.

The second sign of an overt, grandiose narcissist is finding yourself in a one-sided conversation with a total stranger.

One exception to this is when you are speaking to someone who is on the autism spectrum. If you spot only the monologuing and none of the other behaviours, it could well be the case that they are autistic and unaware of when to stop speaking.

3. Invitation Bombing

After oxygen and food, the narcissist’s most crucial need is narcissistic supply. Therefore, the narcissist knows that once you leave, they will need more of their most important drug. So they begin to lay the groundwork to meet you again, hoping to secure ongoing narcissistic supply.

As a result, you might notice numerous invitations peppered throughout the monologue. The narcissist might invite you to meet their friends, or join some group, or suggest you keep in touch.

Overt narcissists appear to be magnanimous ‘hosts’, able to welcome you into their wonderful world. For example, an overt, grandiose narcissist might set up a movie night, and have over two dozen people come, many of them acquaintances.

The third sign of an overt narcissist is numerous invitations in a short time soon after meeting them.

4. Over The Top Compliments

Finally, the narcissist needs you excited to see them again. The cherry on top of the interaction will be flattery and compliments. They might simply tell you that they ‘like’ you, or compliment your outfit, or mention how different you are to other people. This usually comes at the end of the interaction, leaving you floating on air and eager to see this ‘magical’ person again.

Spotting A Covert Narcissist

To know a grandiose, overt narcissist quickly and with enough certainty, you will need most of the above signs to appear in a short burst of time.

Normally, a person would be slow to warm up to others, taking the time to learn about them before deciding if they want this person close to them. After all, how can you ‘like’ someone you barely know? How can you like someone when you barely allowed them to speak?

Covert narcissists, on the other hand, have a different approach — they resort to string pulling and manipulation in order to extract narcissistic supply. Overt narcissists do their work by overwhelming your senses, whereas covert narcissists prefer to work in the shadows. Overt narcissists go big, covert narcissists play the long game.

Some classic signs of a covert narcissist are:

1. Intense, Unflinching Eye-Contact

The covert narcissist’s pupils contract and dilate in unnatural ways, almost hypnotising you. What’s happening beneath the surface is that the covert narcissist pays you absolute attention (pupil dilates), which makes you feel valued. They then ‘zone out’ at a random time (pupil contracts), often when you’re the most engaged and open to them, from which you subconsciously pick up their loss of interest. This forces you to become self-conscious and eager to regain their attention.

Such a power play is subtle but extremely powerful, allowing the covert narcissist to keep you on a string, and lays the foundation for the entire ‘relationship’. With just a look they can take you on a ride between shame, doubt, certainty, affirmation, and everything in between.

2. Verbal Information Dropping

The covert narcissist pays attention to what interests you and what you value, and they will randomly mention, without proof, that they too are into such things. You are a vegan? One day they mention they had a vegan dinner. You like to go jogging in the evenings? They went for a jog last night. And so on.

These bits of information are simply peppered into the conversation without any further detail or show of enthusiasm. The goal is to get deep inside you, to the place where you love life, the place where you can most be influenced and manipulated.

3. The Cliff Drop

Whenever we converse with people, we inject a decent amount of energy into the interaction so that it can have enough momentum and bring value to the other person. A narcissist will begin a conversation with you, and just as your enthusiasm for a topic grows, they will suddenly disengage. They will look away briefly, or they might snicker and just wait with eyebrows raised.

Once you sense that the covert narcissist has checked out, you get self-conscious and walk away with a burning sense of shame. If you are not careful, you might internalise this as you being stupid or annoying to be around, which over the long term can damage your self-esteem.

Above all, it is important to pick up such signs in the flow of the relationship. Because normal people usually give others the benefit of the doubt, you might brush away these subtle signs, hoping to maintain the momentum in your fledgling relationship. In doing so, you risk allowing the covert narcissist to a) slowly wear down your self esteem and b) gradually groom you to hang on their every word.

To Know If Someone Is A Narcissist, Trust Your Gut

Whether overt or covert, the narcissist wants to dominate you. Being the empathic human being with healthy shame that you are, you try not to judge people too soon. Meanwhile, the damage is being done, and it is not until you are being abused that you begin to ask questions. Then comes the most devastating sign of any narcissist, which only comes when it is too late: The discard.

In every relationship, you should give the other person the benefit of the doubt but verify their intentions. Judge based on your inner radar. If things feel off, that’s because they probably are, and there is a good reason for it.