Why A Narcissist Has Committed To Others — But Not You

A narcissist commits to one thing in life, and that is the pursuit of narcissistic supply. If you submit fully to the narcissist with no strings attached, providing attention, service, sex, adulation, mirroring and selfless cooperation, then you will be in their good favour.

Yet no strings attached is the key to this arrangement. If you frustrate the narcissist with your needs or demands, then they will pull away and invest in someone more useful. You must be wholly subservient to their need for narcissistic supply. Everything else is secondary, including you.

There is one minor exception. If it ensures ongoing narcissistic supply for the narcissist, then they will reluctantly ‘compromise’ to give you what you need — yet with harsh limits.

They Love Me, They Love Me Not

During the initial idealisation phase, the narcissist is wholly available and eager to get to know you. This quickly wanes, however. The narcissist may continue to make some effort, but never quite goes far enough for you to feel secure in the relationship. Above all, the narcissist never discusses the future with you. Commitment is a no-go zone.

Many people grow addicted to the narcissist’s fantasy world, as the narcissist provides just enough breadcrumbs of attention and ‘love’ to keep you hooked. When your demands get too high and your supply too low, the narcissist is out of there. You may sense this subliminally, and act with care not to rock the boat.

What eats at you most is that you know the narcissist has a long-term ex. Even worse, they talk about this person with a twinkle in their eyes. The great love which got away. The more they speak about their old flame, and the more you ruminate on it, the more the shame swells inside you, as a sense of inferiority takes hold.

Why not me? you say. I have given everything for the ‘relationship’. Mind, body, soul, even finances. I am perfect for them. Why will they not commit?

The Original Exalted One

To truly understand how commitment works for a narcissist, we need to go back in time to their childhood, when the only ‘special’ person in their life was their parent. The narcissist’s need during this time was to be seen, mirrored, valued and loved for who they truly were. However, due to the trauma and mental illness plaguing their family, the narcissist’s parent offered none of this. As the pain of neglect swelled, a grandiose false self formed as a survival strategy to mask and numb the narcissist’s shame.

Every narcissist’s parent has a certain ‘flavour’ to their neglecting attitude toward the narcissist. Being a child, the narcissist absorbed the parent as their model for love, and stored it as a snapshot in their mind. The parent’s attitude, demeanour, body language, facial expressions, voice tone; all of this was internalised and associated with the narcissist’s yearning for love.

Eventually, the pain of being neglected grew too much. The narcissist’s attachment to their parent suddenly snapped, and with it, their connection to their authentic Self. This ‘original discard’ brings much-needed relief to the child narcissist, yet comes with a massive cost. The narcissist’s authentic Self sinks into the deep waters of their unconscious, remaining in a cryogenic state, no longer developing or growing. Packed into this frozen True Self is the grief of immense loss, the rage of being neglected, and the shame of not being seen and loved. All of this is wrapped in the image of the parent.

Meanwhile, the narcissist moves forward with life, plagued by two core problems. The first is ensuring enough narcissistic supply to maintain their false self, which shields them from the pain they carry within. The second problem, is that their authentic Self is now frozen and buried, while calling to the narcissist to set it free.

A Chance At Rebirth

First and foremost, the narcissist must address their most pressing concern, which is maintaining narcissistic supply. If they can secure ‘high grade’ supply in the form of high status and attractive people, then great. If not, then they will take what they can get. As long as they have enough supply, they can function.

Then comes the narcissist’s second problem, which is resolving their core trauma. This is no simple feat. In order to right the original wrong, the narcissist needs to travel back in time and re-run the original process with their parent — yet with a different outcome this time. The goal of any child is to separate from their parent and actualise into an independent, empowered and authentic human being. Unaware of their pathology, the narcissist seeks out a replacement ‘parent’ who can help them re-run the separation and actualisation process. This new person will see the narcissist, value them, mirror them, love them and above all, support them in becoming their authentic Self.

Eventually, someone appears who grips the narcissist’s imagination. An exalted one. In an instant, the narcissist’s push-pull games and non-committal attitude evaporate. The narcissist is all in. They drop everything and declare their undying loyalty. They meet this person’s family, and begin talking about the future. In extreme cases, they may immediately begin trying for a baby, either though their own desire, or that of their partner.

From the narcissist’s perspective, there is just something about this person which makes them special. It is fate. Kismet. Lightning has struck. It is the universe. Whatever you want to call it, a miracle has happened. After using up and tossing away dozens of sources of supply, the narcissist has found someone worth holding onto.

Doubling Down On Failure

One could argue that the more ‘special’ and ‘amazing’ you are, the more the narcissist is likely to commit to you. The narcissist creates this idea in the minds of all of their supply during the idealise phase by making them feel like the most special person in the world.

Yet something far more sinister is going on when a narcissist drops everything and commits. While the new lover may well be attractive or have compelling traits, what truly captures the narcissist’s imagination remains unconscious. The newly-exalted one’s posture. Their demeanour. Their facial expression. Their voice tone. The way they show love, and above all, how they withhold it.

At first, the exalted one enthusiastically steps into the narcissist’s fantasy world, fuelling it with the ‘love’ and attention needed to develop a narcissistic relationship. Over time, however, the exalted one’s lust for the narcissist fades, and their true personality emerges. The exalted one becomes aloof, judgemental, manipulative and rejecting, just like the narcissist’s parent. The narcissist’s new lover is a carbon copy of the original.

This is why narcissists commit. It has nothing to do with your worth, or how special you are. No matter how much love you pour into the relationship, not a drop will touch the narcissist’s soul. The narcissist carries a core trauma which is looking to be resolved, and which is wrapped up in an image of their parent. To free themselves from this purgatory, the narcissist needs a specific key in the shape of their rejecting parent. No other key will work.

When a person fits the mould closely enough, the narcissist’s subconscious lights up. They may develop a story around why they love this person, but it has little to do with the truth. The sad irony is that not even this strategy will work, as the people the narcissist chooses to ‘love’ often carry the same pathology as the narcissist’s parent. The new relationship is doomed to end in tragedy, exactly like the original.

In the same way they fooled you during the idealisation phase, the narcissist fools themselves as they idealise their exalted one and enter into a long-term relationship with them, hoping for a resolution to their core trauma. That is what happened when they ‘committed’.

And that is why they will never commit to you.