The Narcissistic Family

Wherever I look, I see signs of the commandment to honour one’s parents and nowhere of a commandment that calls for the respect of a child.

- Alice Miller

To sustain a grandiose false self, the narcissist needs narcissistic supply. As they go through life, they reign over younger siblings and relatives, or find weaker classmates in school to ‘befriend.’ They shame others while acting shameless, using people as building blocks to prop up their ego. They scapegoat to build up their reputation and avoid their shadow. Instead of building relationships on empathy, mutuality and support, they make others extensions of themselves. They draw in their target with charm and weaken their target’s self-esteem with ridicule, all under the guise of connection. The narcissist can only have a positive sense of Self when in the presence of someone they can control. If there is nobody present to mirror their grandiose self back to them, their unresolved childhood trauma comes to the surface, and they become filled with uncertainty and dread.

The narcissist then grows older, and has probably gone through dozens of friendships. Most people eventually sense the emptiness and exploitation of the relationship, and consequently distance themselves. The narcissist’s false self sustains cracks, but they reinforce it with replacement targets. They might also charm a potential lover, hijacking their partner’s split, morphing their own behaviour to match what their partner perceives as ideal. Such a ruse works for a while, but often ends in disillusionment and breakup, or the narcissist grows bored and leaves.

It takes great effort to seduce and keep people around. The narcissist might look to elevate their career if they are capable, eyeing off hig...