For those caught in a trauma bond with a narcissist, unable to tear themselves away, staring down the barrel of years with this person, the inevitable question arises: Can you have a healthy relationship with a narcissist? In short, you wonder whether you can redirect the relationship toward smoother waters.
To answer that question, first we have to define what a healthy relationship is. Everyone will have a different set of expectations, but a basic list will do for now. A healthy relationship involves:
Intimacy: Two people who see each other, as in, truly see each other, including each other’s shame, negative emotions, hopes and dreams. Such a relationship calls for a basic sense of mutual-respect, dignity and boundaries. In a healthy relationship, each person sees the truth behind the mask, or at least tries to see it, understand it and work with it. This requires vulnerability, empathy and patience.
Shared Shame: Two people who could try to outdo each other, but instead choose to keep a level playing field while simultaneously lifting each other up. In a healthy relationship, each person’s dreams, desires and need to actualise are important to the other person, and space is created in the relationship for both people’s needs.
Empathy: Two people who can sense the other person’s current state and adjust their behaviour to maintain connection, respect and dignity. For example, if the other person is feeling blue that day and their self-esteem is low, the other people will sense this and treat them with care, holding back on bragging about their own life until the other person is ‘up’ again and ready to receive and share.
For those aiming to avoid abandonment, who simply want to have anyone to stabilise them, then a narcissist will be sufficient to fulfil that aim. That is, if you can remain useful to the narcissist. Otherwise, all bets are off. Is this kind of relationship healthy? No. But it fills the basic requirement, that of warding off the terror of loneliness.
To leave the narcissist is to break away from the ‘comfort’ of the relationship and face off with your shadow. As you do this, you will be tossed head-first into the terror of the abyss. However, you will also have created space for something healthier to enter.
In short, a healthy relationship calls on courage in the face of vulnerability, shared shame, cooperation, and an acknowledgement of each other’s limitations and wounds. A healthy relationship prioritises the actualisation of the True Self over narcissistic supply — on both sides.
Is the narcissist capable of this?