The Vulnerable Covert Narcissist Exposed

A narcissist is not always what you think.

Rather than assuming them to always be a flashy, arrogant attention-seeker, it is more helpful to see the narcissist as a predator lurking in an ocean. The narcissist we know and loathe, i.e. the overt narcissist, merely spends most of their time above the surface. The covert narcissist, in comparison, lurks within the depths, biding their time.

Also known as the ‘vulnerable narcissist’ or ‘closet narcissist’, a covert narcissist represents narcissism in its unmanifested form. In short, the covert narcissist carries the seed of narcissism within them. And much like any seed, they only need the right conditions to grow. This is perhaps what makes the covert narcissist so terrifying — that seed can exist in anyone with complex childhood trauma.

The covert narcissist can be likened to Voldemort from the Harry Potter series. As a baby, Harry survived Voldemort’s killing curse due to the protection of his mother’s love, which deflected Voldemort’s spell back onto the villain. Voldemort’s body was subsequently destroyed, leaving him cast into the underworld in a weakened state, biding his time before he could find a host to fully return to his power.

This is what a covert narcissist is: They are a weakened ‘wizard’ spirit, looking for the opportune moment to ascend to ‘dominance’.

The Fundamental Characteristic Of A Covert Narcissist

Narcissists in all forms carry the same core wound: They were unseen and unloved for who they truly were. To deal with the crushing shame of this reality, they compensated by rejecting their authentic Self and identifying with a grandiose false self instead, conjuring an imagined, ‘superior’ version of themselves ‘worthy’ of being seen and loved by all.

What sets overt narcissists apart is how they found a way to express their false self in the world. An overt narcissist was usually encouraged by a narcissistic parent to perform in specific ways, with the parent hoping to draw vicarious narcissistic supply via their child’s ‘success’. This is typically how a lifelong overt narcissist is formed — They are the protégés of narcissistic parents.

The covert narcissist, on the other hand, was never encouraged. Quite the opposite — they experienced chronic emotional neglect and/or chronic abuse. As their sense of being flawed, broken and unlovable swelled into toxic shame, they held tight to their false self, hoping that it might offer them salvation in an imagined future. While this closet narcissist felt insignificant in the real world, in their imagination they remained the most loveable and special person to have ever existed. The covert narcissist’s grandiosity swirls in their imagination, fuelling fantasies of greatness, or at the very least, reassuring the covert narcissist of their specialness — despite what the world told them.

This seed can lay dormant for many years, waiting for the right opportunity. Meanwhile, the covert narcissist, crippled by overwhelming shame and inferiority, clings to others in early life for validation. For this reason, many covert narcissists can be mistaken for codependents, nice people, or as ‘shy’. They tend to be on their best behaviour and stay out of the limelight, choosing to remain under the spotlight in their imagination instead.

Lacking the confidence, willpower and skill to permanently keep up the act, the covert narcissist’s grandiosity typically comes through in bursts. They might boastfully claim the stage of attention, yet pull away suddenly when triggered or do not get the reaction they expected. Covert narcissists are extremely touchy and sensitive to shame.

If the covert, vulnerable narcissist comes into contact with someone of lower self-esteem than them, they get a spike of grandiosity as they feel themselves more powerful, competent and special in comparison. For this reason, covert narcissists typically form dyads with people who have debilitating low confidence. This allows the vulnerable narcissist to remain unchallenged and in control.

Other times, the covert narcissist’s grandiosity flares up during times of stress or life breakdown. Faced with relationship collapse, career failure or public humiliation, the covert narcissist doubles down on their grandiosity to ward off the flood of shame. Where they have no outlet in the real world, the covert narcissist withdraws into their imagination, leaning on addictive behaviours or substances, dissociation and distraction. In the meantime, they reinforce their false self from within, drawing on the power of fantasy to imagine themselves as superior and special.

Spotting The Signs Of A Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissists are well-known to come across as friendly, gentle and downright selfless. Yet the signs are there. Covert narcissists, much like their overt counterparts, are prone to idealise, devalue and discard others. They tend to have whirlwind romances and friendships which burn bright at the beginning, before burning out. The covert narcissist often bonds with an overt narcissist to co-copt their apparent confidence, hoping to elevate themselves in the process. Failing that, the covert narcissist seeks out less confident counterparts to help them feel superior in comparison.

It is especially important to keep an eye out for the vulnerable narcissist’s ‘bursts’ of grandiosity. They might behave benign and friendly most of the time, bending over backwards to please people, yet suddenly resort to callousness or arrogance in certain situations. Covert narcissists also tend to draw people in with promises of perfect love and great success, cultivating a fantasy world to help soften their targets and draw narcissistic supply.

Unable to cope with exposure, covert narcissists are sensitive to criticism. They also resort to passive-aggressive behaviours when frustrated, looking to trigger others while disguising their intentions behind the guise of ‘giving advice’ or ‘pointing something out’.

So while the covert narcissist lurks most of the time beneath the ocean of their subconscious mind, like all predators, they eventually surface. The signs are there if you know what to look for.

Am I A Covert Narcissist?

While narcissism is a reaction to complex childhood trauma, not everyone who carries trauma should be classified as a narcissist. The phantom-like nature of covert narcissism makes that task difficult, however, as does the fact that narcissistic behaviour exists on a spectrum. Borderlines, for example, often weaponise grandiosity in bursts to ward off crushing feelings of shame. They also idealise and devalue, which often leads to eventual discard. While the surface-level behaviours might look narcissistic, the underlying intent differs. The line between borderline, covert narcissist and overt narcissist can be murky indeed.

Many covert narcissists never get the opportunity to fully manifest their narcissism. Instead they get sucked into narcissistic structures, and are forced to remain in a subordinate, dependent state. They might have a dominating spouse, or struggle with poverty, misfortune and life crisis. The covert narcissist might also be too stubborn to admit the truth, resorting to denial, deflection and purposeful ‘ignorance’, choosing to blame others for their misfortune instead. Many traditional societies frown upon narcissistic acts, which forces the covert narcissist to pull their head down in public, only flexing their narcissism at home with family members, smiling in public while dolling out abuse in private.

Yet in a world obsessed with social media ‘influencing’, internet fame and new-age spirituality, the covert narcissist has more reasons to emerge from the shadows. Narcissism is rewarded in today’s society.

Narcissistic personality disorder must be diagnosed by a qualified practitioner, where the grandiose false self is persistent and chronic enough to warrant a diagnosis. That said, being aware of the nature and traits of a covert narcissist can help protect us from being blindsided — not only when covert narcissism emerges in those we love, but within ourselves as well.