Stage Two: Orphanhood

Loneliness is the absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself.

- Osho

In a narcissist regime, everyone is clinging to control. Each member holds onto their role for a sense of identity and belonging, no matter how rigid and oppressive it becomes. The underlying fear is that if the role is lost, so is the control — even when that control is based on an illusion.

Because the target’s identity has fused with their role, losing it means losing oneself. A person in an abusive relationship struggles to leave partly for this reason. Without their identity to cling to, unconscious trauma surfaces, and they spiral into a dark, painful place. Hoping to maintain structure and order, the target deems any identity better than none.

Even if a person breaks away from a narcissistic relationship, their previous role has an uncanny way of reinstating itself in new relationships. This repeat of history happens partly unconsciously, and partly because familiarity brings comfort. The role is the path of least resistance, and anything unfamiliar is frightening. When considering shedding your role and embracing an authentic...