The Narcissist’s Kaleidoscope Of Faces

_ Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth._

- Buddha

What makes narcissists so insidious is that they do not always fit the DSM-5 criteria of ‘inflated self-esteem, lack of empathy, demanding of attention, and sense of entitlement.’ A narcissist can come across as needy, desperate, appeasing or apologetic. They can seem warm and loving, with a deep desire to connect. They can forfeit the spotlight, and declare how wonderful you are. They can then act from the shadows, inflicting harm and punishment on you in horrible ways. They can be brazen, reckless and treat people like pawns, manipulating, cheating and lying at will. They can be one person in front of strangers, and someone else entirely at home. And even with you, they can be one person one second, and switch suddenly. This can be utterly crazy-making, as the tender, charming person who attracted you morphs into a cold, sinister, rage-filled monster. It is as though they are many people in one. The truth, sadly, is not far off.

It can be easy to forget that behind every polished narcissistic facade lies a fractured soul. Whether it was through abuse, neglect or having to live up to an inhuman ideal, the outcome remains the same — self-abandonment, avoidance of pain at any cost, and a burning sense of low self-worth.

Sometimes the grandiosity defence is not enough to compensate for this. The world is harsh and unpredictable, and reality often comes knocking on the narcissist’s door. When their false self inevitably fails them, the narcissist needs to adapt. For that, they have an array of alternative ‘selves’ to get their needs met, defend against re-traumatisation, and punish those who hurt them.

The typical narcissist is not out for world domination. Narcissism has one purpose; garnering narcissistic supply. Supply props up a false self. This false self is the tip of the spear which penetrates the world while defending the narcissist’s wounded core. But what about the rest of the spear? Those who carry Complex-PTSD are themselves also complex. They can be dissociated and paranoid, moving between conscious states like a dream to navigate their tangled web of wounds. Often they do not aim to hurt others, but rather act out of desperation. Other times, however,...