The idea of narcissists as bad people, and their targets as good, has permeated popular culture over the last decade. The ‘narcissism movement’ is founded upon the vilification of narcissists, the development of strategies for dealing with these ‘terrible people’, and of course, the best way to recover and heal moving forward.
I have written multiple books on the topic, one such book having the sensationalist title ‘How To Kill A Narcissist’. As I quickly explain, it is crucial to separate the behaviour from the person. This helps us avoid dehumanising a narcissist while still protecting ourselves from what they are capable of.
The end game of recovery, in my opinion, is to hold two truths together:
Narcissistic abuse is a plague on the planet which we must fight at all costs.
Narcissists are deeply-wounded human beings who we need to set boundaries around.
Upon reaching this stage of recovery, you ‘kill a narcissist’ by seeing the disease and protecting yourself from the abuse.
Nonetheless, I have found hate to be useful in the early stages of recovery. I constantly tout the productive use of anger for setting boundaries, and spurring the target of narcissistic abuse into action. Eventually, however, I recommend letting that anger go. Otherwise, a person can get stuck in a victim mentality trap which can last a lifetime, where the target of narcissistic abuse makes their abuse their primary identity.
Years on, I now believe that we as a collective are due to embrace the next shift in our understanding of toxic relationships and emotional abuse. It comes in the form of a far more insidious trap: Focussing too much on the narcissistic elements of personality disorders.
Narcissism Is Worse Than You Think
My journey out of narcissistic abuse has taught me infinite lessons.
At the beginning, I had a clingy, anxious style of relating, and was terrified of taking risks. As I released shame and trauma, those behaviours faded away. I grew more confident and aware, and I began to notice shifts in my psyche which eventually set off alarm bells. My recovery journey had revealed dark elements of myself I neve...
