The Insidious Effects Of Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect is a much neglected (pun intended) topic, and for good reason: How can you know of something which was never there?

Emotional neglect is the relationship version of a tree falling in a forest and nobody being there to hear it. Does it make a noise?

The answer is: Yes, emotional neglect very much makes a noise, one which echoes and reverberates for an entire lifetime.

When you have been emotionally neglected, your world looks like this:

In the above image, Mario is in the Dark Land. He can only see a short distance in front of him, and what is visible seems to have been stripped of life.

This is what the person who suffered chronic emotional neglect in childhood experiences. Surrounding them is a glass bubble which makes the outer world feel foreign and untouchable.

The emotionally-neglected person feels like they cannot impact the world. They feel powerless, lifeless and inconsequential.

What exactly brings on such a tragedy?

The Life-Giving Power Of Emotional Attunement

Emotional neglect is when a child does not have their emotional state seen, acknowledged, validated and regulated.

An emotional state can vary from something as trivial as not getting ice cream, all the way to the tragedy of losing a family member. When a child is having an emotional experience ranging from rage to grief, a good enough guardian will:

1. Look at them with understanding eyes to reassure the child that they see them, are with them, and that the child has their attention.
2. Verbally acknowledge that they understand that the child is having an emotional experience.
3. Withhold critical judgement and take the child’s distress seriously to ensure they feel validated.
4. Regulate the child by communicating with them to help navigate the crisis together.

When the parent achieves this ‘emotional attunement bingo’, the child integrates their experience. They feel legitimised and validated. They move deeper into their True Self, which flourishes from the encounter, much like a landscape drenched in rain. New life springs from the child’s True Self, and their personality develops fascinating and fresh facets akin to flowers, plants and other wildlife arising from a landscape nourished by rain.

The Terrible Impact Of Emotional Neglect

Then there is the brittle, caustic desert left behind by emotional neglect. The child who experiences this thirsts for nourishment for their True Self which never arrives. Instead, the parent responds to the child’s emotional experience either by lashing out at them, questioning them critically, or brushing aside their experience altogether.

As a result, the child feels crazy for how they feel, and deeply ashamed. Because the parent is the arbiter of right and wrong, the child concludes that there is something wrong with them. The more their True Self pulsates with emotion, the more shame they feel. Without the four elements of emotional attunement, it is only a matter of time before the child’s inner landscape begins to dry out. The child’s curiosity wanes, and their conscious sight of the world reduces. Finally, the light of their True Self switches off, and they become shrouded in darkness.

The emotionally-neglected child typically comes from an emotionally-depriving environment. When the family has a collective experience which should spur an emotional response, the child sees no reaction. Perhaps a conflict or disaster strikes close to home, or a loved one dies. The reaction to this is stone-faced and dispassionate. Without such external cues to help the child express and develop their inner landscape, the child’s state adapts to match the external environment.

The Symptoms Of Emotional Neglect

The child who is raised in an emotionally neglectful and depriving environment grows up to experience the following:

• A Sense Of Inferiority: The child walks around 24/7 with a sense that something is terribly wrong with them.
• A Sense Of Being Unwanted: The child feels like a burden on others. They believe they don’t belong anywhere. If someone pays them interest, they feel elated. If that attention wanes even for a second, the child’s heart drops, and the agonising pull of shame drags them into their inner darkness.
• A Lack Of Entitlement: The emotionally-neglected-and-deprived child rarely asks for what they want or states their needs. They assume that anything good in the world is not for them, but rather for those ‘special people’ who are not them.
• Passivity: The child moves through life in a helpless state, accepting what people tell them. Even if something bothers them, their protests are usually weak, and they are often quick to fall into line when there is even minor pushback from the other party.
• Chronically Doing Without: Without curiosity and a healthy sense of entitlement, the child misses out on the abundance around them. They rarely consider if there is a person, object or method which might better help them navigate life. For example, they might simply cut with a blunt knife when there is a sharp one in the next drawer. Or they stick to limited routines without looking to enrich their daily experience.
• Self-Estrangement: The child does not know themselves on any deep level. They usually have no idea how they feel about situations, or what they need to feel happy, or even what their preferences are. Because the process of Self-discovery was halted in childhood, all those developmental years of uncovering who they authentically were became lost.
• Flat Affect: The emotionally-neglected child may have a stiff face and sharp eyes. They carry a stoic expression, exhibit shallow emotional reactions, and will typically underreact to situations. Their body movements are usually rigid and awkward.

Emotional attunement is the stuff authentic relationships are made from. As a result, the symptoms of emotional neglect lead to compromised social intelligence. How can you attune to others from a bubble? How can you pick up on social cues when you walk in a world shrouded in darkness?

A Life Passing You By

Those who suffered from emotional neglect often organise their personality on compensation strategies. That is, they develop a particular personality disorder.

Examples of such compensation strategies are:

• The Schizoid Solution: The person remains in their limited bubble and comes to enjoy their solitude.
• The Narcissistic Solution: The emotionally-neglected person offsets feelings of inferiority and abandonment by imagining themselves to be special and superior. This ‘false self’ helps shield them from the pain they carry within.
• The Codependent Solution: The emotionally-neglected person compensates for what they lack by attaching themselves to another person and living vicariously through them.

In all of the above cases, the emotionally-neglected person is relying on fantasy to compensate for what is lacking. Yet when you navigate the world in such a state, you miss out on all that reality has to offer.

By coming to terms with your emotional neglect and deprivation, you can let go of these compensation strategies, and honour who you are in the moment. Above all, you can grieve for what you did not receive, for what could have been, but never was.

From there, you can get to work on nourishing your True Self with healthy sources of vitality and energy. Nature. Meditation. Deep Breathing. Spirit. Faith. God. These are all accessible to you at any moment.

From there, you will need to go out into the world and seek out the four elements of attunement. A therapist is usually the best first option. A healing or support group comes close second.

When one faces the full weight of their emotional neglect, they may get a sense of deep loneliness and existential sadness. It’s not easy living alone inside a bubble. However, after spending a lifetime yearning for the light, it might not have struck them to look into the darkness.

As the emotionally-neglected child cautiously feels their way through the pitch black, they may touch on a divine hand. A presence. They may find that there is someone else there, who has been there the entire time. Someone divine and all-knowing. It is from such spiritual realisations that change is possible, where we cease to feel so chronically lonely, and come to discover abundance in our world once again.