In the wild world of pop psychology, where complex trauma manifests in confusing ways and labels get thrown around like snowballs, the term ‘narcissist’ has almost lost its meaning; becoming an umbrella term for any mildly-destructive or controlling behaviour. From the chaos of the borderline, to the ice-cold selfishness of the narcissist, to the intoxicating sexuality of the histrionic, many are left staring at the rubble of a relationship that brought out the madness in them, and asking: Am I the narcissist?
One easy way to determine your narcissist status, which cuts through all the clutter floating around online, is: Do you regularly idealise and quit?
Brutal discards are the hallmarks of a narcissist. A narcissist will be fully open to someone, charming them constantly and growing the relationship, before a point comes when that person is dead to them. Borderlines, on the other hand, will have a back-and-forth, hot-and-cold rhythm, adoring someone one day, then despising them the next, before coming around again soon after. Narcissists are more absolute, maintaining their idealisation for many months, before gradually becoming cold, then finally tossing the other person away. In short, a borderline relationship is a rollercoaster, and a narcissistic relationship is a smooth arc, rising and falling only once before a sudden and final drop.
To determine if you exhibit this behaviour, you need to look at your entire relationship history over the years. Regardless of your reasons for the breakups, you should be able to consistently recognise the three phases: Idealise, where things are perfect and flowery, devalue, where you become gradually more critical, doubtful and feel yourself losing interest, and finally discard, where you suddenly have no issue tossing that person out of your life.
Narcissists also tend to separate people into three categories: Good for now, perfect forever, and not a chance. People who are ‘good for now’ may last in your life for a few weeks or months, as long as they remain novel and interesting. Yet like a new toy, the ‘good for now’ people eventually get boring. ‘Perfect forever’ are people who you deem worldly, intelligent and beautiful enough to become your prize. With ‘perfect forever’ people, you are all in, envisioning a life of adventure, comfort, happiness, fun and success. With everyone else, you barely even give them a second thought. So as a narcissist, you are either ‘meh’, ‘yuck’ or ‘wow’. Yet regardless of the type of relationship you pursue, the lifecycle remains the same — idealise, devalue and discard. No exceptions.
Of course, as a narcissist you might eventually hoover that person back at a later stage, but this happens long after the discard, not rapidly and often like the borderline.
If you recognise this pattern in your life, then chances are high that you are a narcissist. If not, then you are either not a narcissist at all, or you might have another personality disorder with grandiose elements.