The borderline and the narcissist go together like a river and water. Firstly, the narcissist has an empty core, and is always seeking narcissistic supply. This can come in the form of sex, attention, favours, adulation or just outright energy.
The borderline is infantile and gushing with energy. Too much of it. The borderline is so overwhelmed by emotions, they seek out people to help them regulate their inner state. The borderline also has black-and-white thinking; quick to idolise people, but also quick to demonise them. The borderline also knows how to play the innocent, helpless victim, because they know that gains them support.
In comes the narcissist, dreaming of being important in the world. The borderline provides the ideal, pre-packaged solution in one person. The borderline has been used and abused by ex-friends and ex-lovers. The borderline is helpless in the face of their emotional dysregulation. They need an anchor, a rock to hold them together in the wild storm of their internal chaos.
This all touches on the narcissist’s grandiosity, and activates their saviour complex. The borderline is also usually very sexual and attractive to boot, so the narcissist can feel important and needed while also gaining regular sex, along with the ego boost of having an attractive partner.
So the narcissist and borderline sweep each other up in a shared fantasy world, which is fuelled by illusion, grandiosity and projection.
Like all bright fantasies, the shadow inevitably reasserts itself. The borderline swings between idealising the narcissist and demonising them. The borderline judges the narcissist, points out their flaws, expresses disappointment, gives them the silent treatment, pulls away and rages at them. Any sign that the narcissist is being distant and secretive, or does not fit the borderline’s saviour projection, and the borderline will punish the narcissist. Severely. There is no method to this madness. The borderline will shift like the weather, and each shift brings painful consequences for the narcissist.
To help regulate their self-esteem, the borderline also draws on the opposite sex. They keep exes and potential lovers in their orbit, both for emotional self-esteem and as tools of jealousy to manipulate the narcissist into behaving as the borderline needs. This kind of triangulation gradually challenges the narcissist’s grandiosity, and has them questioning their self-worth. The borderline declares that their ex did it better, or did not trouble the borderline the same way as the narcissist.
Using triangulation and the idealisation/devaluation cycle, the borderline tortures the narcissist to the point of collapse, where the narcissist eventually discards the borderline. The narcissist then goes into hiding to pick up the pieces, and to restore their grandiose false self to its former glory.