Traits Of A Narcissistic Mother: Exposing Her Abuse

The narcissistic mother can be a destabilising and intimidating force in her child's life. Healing from her abuse is a sensitive process, not only because of what she does, but what she represents. Much like mother nature, the narcissistic mother has the power to nurture life, or destroy it like a hurricane cutting through the landscape of her child's heart.

From childhood through to adulthood, she remains a constant shadow over the child's life, maintaining a set of invisible heart strings which she pulls at a whim. The first step for healing from a narcissistic mother is to spot her surface-level behaviours. A narcissistic mother will exhibit some or all of the following traits:

Lack Of Empathy

When you share something genuine that’s important to you, the narcissistic mother will shut it down as quickly as possible or simply ignore it. She might simply nod, change the topic, or dismiss what you are saying as childish. This rejection of your genuine expression makes you feel shameful and unloved.

Snickering Or Laughing At Your Weaknesses

That all-knowing laugh when you make a mistake communicates how amusing you are in comparison to the narcissistic mother, who would never make the same error. Quite often, the mistake is not even a mistake, but a snicker at something you simply did in a different way from how the narcissistic mother would do it. Not uncommon still is being laughed at even if you did something correctly, just to make you question yourself and think the narcissistic mother knows something you don’t.

Condescending Stares / Eye Rolling

A narcissistic mother can communicate her disapproval with a mere patronising look or roll of the eyes. She might send out these signals dozens of times a day as a way to micro-control her child's behaviour. Over the months and years, her disapproving expressions chip away at her child's self-esteem and willpower, and mould them into a submissive state where the expressions are no longer needed — the child simply does what she expects.

Discussing You In The Third Person When You’re Present

When you’re discussed with someone else while present, especially in a non-favourable way, it can make you feel both shamed and powerless. For example, “Lisa has been so lazy around the house. She hasn’t done any housework, she just watches Netflix all day.” When this is said to someone else in your presence, it creates an illusion of two people of ‘higher knowledge’ discussing you: the object of ‘concern’. Firstly, such a statement is subjective (Lisa might have felt a bit sick and watched Netflix for a couple of hours simply to unwind,) and it forces you to either defend yourself or feel shame.

Critical, Rhetorical Questions

The narcissistic mother might ask: “Why did you arrange the plates like that?” or “Why are you wearing that skirt for?” These questions have no real answer or purpose other than to shine a light on your supposed incompetence or stupidity.

Compare You To Others

When the narcissistic mother points out that your sibling or someone else can do what you can’t, or is better at something than you, she forces you onto a scale of worth. A narcissistic mother will regularly compare you to your siblings to exert her control. She can (subjectively) complain to her single daughter that every other woman her age is happily married and has children. Such subtle comparisons undermine and shame.

These traits are just a subset of the destructive ways a narcissistic mother causes emotional harm to her child. These behaviours are just the tip of the iceberg, however.

Characteristics Of A Narcissistic Mother

Furthermore, the narcissistic mother exhibits the following characteristics in her relationship to her children:

Perpetual Dependence

The narcissistic mother wants her children reliant on her, even into adulthood. She will infantilise her child, sowing doubt in their mind about their capability for independence. She will call them baby names, micro-manage their life, and mock them, all with the intent of keeping them small enough to control. Also, by neglecting the child’s need for growth and development, the narcissistic mother communicates to the child that they are not capable of personal power.

Manipulative Communication

To avoid being put in a compromising position, the narcissistic mother will express her feelings and displeasure indirectly, either through her spouse, through one of the children, or by dropping hints. This covert way of communicating allows the narcissistic mother to deliver her message while remaining unaccountable.

If she did permit direct communication, her agenda could be challenged, and her children emboldened. Due to this disconnect between the parental system and the children, resentment and concerns go underground, expressed only in secret between siblings or remaining unspoken.

Lack Of Boundaries

Boundaries are non-existent with a narcissistic mother. The children are expected to comply with her demands at all times, and are not consulted about their feelings or needs. Their mail is opened, and their diaries read.

This enmeshed state allows the narcissistic mother direct access to the children without having to navigate their boundaries. Such a way of operating means the children experience overwhelming guilt and shame for wanting to act separately from their narcissistic mother.

Lack Of Accountability

One thing is sure with a narcissistic mother; she is never accountable for her actions or the family’s problems. The blame always lies with the scapegoat of the family, another of the children or an external source. These dynamics ensure complete control over the narcissistic mother's family, and with that, total grip over her environment.

Meanwhile, the narcissistic mother remains practically untouched and uninfluenced. Although it is highly detrimental to the well-being of the rest of the family, the narcissistic mother remains unwilling to loosen her hold for fear of losing control. As long as she is in charge, the emotional flow of her family unit remains stagnant. The family members repress their emotions, and their maturity is compromised.

Effects Of Being Raised By A Narcissistic Mother

Growing up in a home dominated by a narcissistic mother has numerous consequences for the child, such as:

Emotional Repression

The child must hold back their feelings so as not to disturb the narcissistic mother's fragile emotional balance. Negative feelings especially challenge the happy family image and are ignored, discouraged or attacked. The children learn to repress their anger and resentment, which leads to shame and depression. Also, by suppressing some emotions, the child is forced to suffocate all of them, which kills their ability to feel joy, stunts their growth and alienates them from their True Self.

Unhealthy Beliefs About Relationships

The child grows up with the idea that relationships are about which role you can play, being in constant competition with others, and about love being a limited resource which you must earn through your actions. The reality that love is a means and not an end, is about sharing and not about performing, is entirely lost on the child.

Stunted Maturity

Due to their emotional immaturity, the narcissistic mother's child sees the world in black and white, all-good and all-bad. This way of living stops the child from seeing reality and integrating new viewpoints into their understanding of life, leading them to dysfunctional and harmful outcomes.

Toxic Shame

Being trapped in a rigid environment without having a say is shaming. For this reason, the child of a narcissistic mother must surrender all agency and feel constant shame. Add to that neglect and abuse, and these shame ‘experiences’ bind together. They then collectively amplify as the child grows, and culminate in toxic shame.

When a child internalises toxic shame, any situation which remotely reminds them of a past shame event can cause a flood of painful feelings to arise. This torrent functions autonomously and can render the child helpless, pulling them into a deep depression which can last for days at a time.

Mental Illness

Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex-PTSD, Bipolar Disorder and many other mental illnesses plague the children of narcissistic mothers. The worse her abuse, the more ruptured the child's sense of Self becomes. They then experience emotional lability, a fractured identity, an incapacity to control their impulses, and much more.

To learn more about how to deal with a narcissistic mother, click here.