The narcissistic family is an isolated cult of one. It does not worship God, has no affinity to the state, and is cut off from the mythology of its people and nation. The solitary focus of worship and submission is the narcissistic parent.
All roads lead to the narcissist. The narcissistic family does not have a greater sense of tribe. It may physically dwell in a village, a city or a nation, yet it has no affinity or loyalty to any of these. The core to understanding why, unsurprisingly, also lies with the narcissist.
A narcissist carries the core trauma of being neglected, shamed, controlled, treated coldly, objectified, and above all, not seen for who they truly are. Due to their dysfunctional environment, the narcissist felt chronically unsafe and unworthy. In the face of unfathomable fear and shame, their True Self shattered into countless fragments. On the edge of death and disintegration, they made a last-ditch effort to salvage a sense of self: They split off from their True Self, and they created a grandiose, all-powerful false self.
While it may only be a construct in their mind, the false self plays a crucial role in stabilising the narcissist’s identity and psychology. It is the gargoyle at the edge of their soul keeping them safe from the destructive power of their trauma.
Yet at their core, the narcissist remains paranoid, dissociated and detached from reality. The narcissist does not see people as they are. They cannot empathise with them, or feel their plight, or relate to them. What the narcissist sees are abstractions of people. With their black-and-white infantile thinking, the narcissist attaches labels to these abstractions based on a binary system of good and evil. There are no shades of grey. The narcissist idolises people based on what they deem to be good, or they vilify people based on their own paranoia.
Ultimately, the narcissist has one criteria for judging people; do they buy into the false self, and do they provide it with narcissistic supply? This paints a picture of someone dissociated from reality and existing within a bubble of mistrust and delusion.
Inside this bubble is where the narcissist’s spouse and children find themselves. The narcissist is suspicious of outsiders, sensitive to losing control, and has expectations of nothing less than perfection. The spouse and children are therefore expected to live up to impossible standards, never disappoint the narcissist, and never stray from the narcissist’s control.
While the members of a narcissistic family often drift into the outside world, the narcissist sows seeds in their minds, controlling them with a psychological string from inside the home. The members of a narcissistic family feel guilty for wanting independence, are afraid of the narcissist’s wrath, and remain overwhelmed by the shame and fear injected into them by the narcissistic parent.
People want to believe that they are loved. They want to believe that their home and family are nurturing and warm. These things are core to our sense of identity, sanity and well-being. Without this story, we would suffer immensely.
The narcissistic family is anything but nurturing and warm. Nobody is seen for who they truly are. Repressing the authenticity of your True Self is deeply painful. The agony of facing this truth is too much, and the members of the narcissistic family must paint over reality with fantasy to reduce their suffering and anxiety. A kind of Stockholm syndrome ensues, where the spouse and children convince themselves that their family is perfect. They are taught to worship the narcissist, to remain completely loyal to their family, and most importantly, to devalue the outside world. All of it. People are deemed to be dangerous or inferior, or both. This is reinforced over and over, keeping a tight lid on the narcissist’s control and further isolating the family members.
In this eerie, fantasy world, the members of a narcissistic family do not realise that they are being controlled by the core trauma of their narcissistic parent. Because the narcissist is mostly cut off from reality and has disowned their True Self, they are effectively exiled from their spirituality and community. No authentic connection with people or with God is possible. The sustenance of tribe and spirit is lost. Addiction and grandiosity become the religious practices of the narcissistic family. Mental illness spreads, and physical ailments stack up. Repressing their authentic Self takes a toll on the members of the narcissistic family, who are fighting to live up to the narcissist’s paranoid, perfectionistic standards.
Healthy families do not exist in a vacuum. Spirituality and religion offer food for the soul. Authentic union with the community helps a family gain a sense of belonging in the greater world. Pride in one’s nation can further offer a sense of optimism and strength, and provide a route toward a brighter future.
To feel at one with your culture, your land, your history and your God unlocks immense power and well-being. The narcissistic family is disconnected from all of this. Any sign of light is blown out immediately. Independence, spontaneity, personal power; all of it is a threat to the narcissist’s paranoid, rigid false self. The present moment is dim, the future even more so. The members of a narcissistic family remain on an infinite treadmill, trying desperately to outrun their shame, guilt and pain, as their bodies fray and their souls shrivel to a near state of death.