Why You Keep Choosing People Who Hurt You

We all desire love. What differs from person to person is in how they love, and their belief of what love means.

In childhood, we love openly and without question. As our experiences pile up, we begin to form a blueprint for how to be in a relationship. When dealing with a narcissist, love means sacrificing yourself on the altar of the grandiose false self. For those who grow up in abusive environments, love means losing sanity and control. An emotionally unavailable person leaves us believing that love means fighting for scraps. Over time, these blueprints solidify and inform every budding relationship in our lives. Sigmund Freud referred to this as transference.

Transference is a repeating life drama, wherein we cast people in our present into the roles of key people from our...