Along with fear, shame is the narcissist’s ultimate weapon. They use it to crush your self-esteem and make you maleable to their influence.
A narcissist might shame you in the following ways:
Strive always to be in control: This can be as simple as impatiently snatching the broom from you when you’re sweeping and doing the job themselves. Refusing to relinquish control or to allow a person to learn at their own pace makes them feel incapable of ‘getting the job done’.
Use condescending stares/eye rolling: A patronising look can communicate a message like “I’m doing you a favour just by tolerating you and allowing you to be around me”.
Snicker and laugh at your weaknesses: That all knowing laugh when you make a mistake communicates how amusing you are in comparison to a person who wouldn’t make the same error. Quite often, the mistake is not even a mistake, but a snicker at something you simply did a different way to how the narcissist would do it. Not uncommon still is being laughed at even if you did something correctly, just to make you question yourself and think the narcissist knows something you don’t.
Speak about you in the third person when you’re present:When you’re discussed with someone else while present, especially in a non-favourable way, it can make you feel both shamed and powerless. For example, “Lisa has been so lazy around the house. She hasn’t done any housework, she just watches Netflix all day.” When this is said to someone else in your presence, it shines the light on you without actually including you in the conversation. It creates an illusion of two people of ‘higher knowledge’ discussing you: the object of ‘concern’. Firstly, such a statement is subjective (Lisa might have felt a bit sick and watched Netflix for a few hours simply to unwind) and it forces you to either defend yourself or feel shame.
Inflate themselves through story: Sharing stories which paint the narcissist in a highly superior way makes the listeners feel small in comparison. Many narcissists are great storytellers, and in their stories, they are usually strong and superior. An alternative way they boost their image in a story is not just by raising themselves up, but by putting down the person who they are describing in their story.
Inflate themselves through assertion and deflection: A narcissist will avoid admitting weakness or to being limited. The narcissist might begin a sentence with “I never..” or “I always..”. For example, “I never get dumped, I’m always doing the dumping” or “I always get through the queue within ten minutes”. The second statement will come especially as a response to you saying that you had to wait for an hour. This separates them from the ‘luckless fool’, and makes them stand out as special.
Ask critical, rhetorical questions: For example, “Why did you arrange the plates like that?” or “Why are you wearing those pants for?” These questions have no real answer or purpose other than to shine a light on your supposed incompetence.
Refuse to empathise and support: When you share something genuine that’s important to you, the narcissist will shut it down as quickly as possible or simply ignore it. They might simply nod, change the topic, or analyse and problem solve what you are saying. They do this so you cannot influence their emotions. This rejection of your genuine expression makes you feel shameful and unloved. Nothing is overtly done, yet it feels off when you realise that the person to whom you are opening your experience does not care enough to empathise.
Not allow you to set boundaries: A narcissist might assume they know what’s best for you — without consulting you first. They’ll order your drink without asking, make decisions involving you without consulting, open your mail and so on. This objectifies you and makes you feel like the narcissist and only the narcissist knows what’s best for you.
Refuse to go along with your plans or allow you to influence them: The relationship is generally lopsided. They call the shots and decide where to go, what to do and for how long. They rely on the low self-esteem of their target to enforce this. Also, by not giving the target a preference, the narcissist can further erode the target’s self-esteem.
Make unwelcome, supposedly neutral observations: i.e. “You have hairs growing on your ears” or “You know, you’re always the first to finish your food” or “You need to buy new shoes”. This is designed to make you feel self-conscious without seeming like an actual attack.
Feign or exaggerate concern: By exaggerating concern, the narcissist can make you feel like someone who needs help; even though you didn’t feel that way to begin with. Although we do sometimes struggle in life, when concern is exaggerated, we can begin to feel like a basket case; i.e. someone who cannot cope with life. This fake or exaggerated concern normally comes with an accompanying look of worry.
Compare you to others: When the narcissist points out that someone they know can do what you can’t, or is better at something than you, they force you onto a scale of worth. Real or not, it is shaming and can be difficult to ignore. A man could be trying to put on weight at the gym, and then have his girlfriend point out how muscly her ex-boyfriend was. A parent can (subjectively) explain to their single daughter that every other woman her age is happily married and has children. These subtle comparisons undermine and shame.