The narcissist’s idealise-devalue-discard cycle is fast becoming mainstream knowledge for all students of narcissism and targets of narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists come on strong at the beginning then disappear in the coldest, cruellest possible way for a couple of major reasons. Firstly, the narcissist carries immense complex trauma, and their entire existence is predicated on avoiding it. As a result, they resort to fantasy to imagine themselves as superior and special to offset feelings of shame, and they offer the same to prospective partners. This is why they idealise with immense energy, as that energy is fuelled by overwhelming trauma. The devalue and discard phases are equally intense since they too are fuelled by trauma. However, while the idealise phase is made pleasant by fantasy, the discard is made vicious by reality. That is, faced with the collapse of their fantasy, the howling repressed trauma comes barreling to the surface. In a desperate bid to save their grandiose false self from annihilation, the narcissist cuts off the other person like a gangrenous limb, hence stopping the bleeding.
The other reason the narcissist goes through the idealise-devalue-discard cycle is to replay the same relationship cycle they experienced with their mother. All children begin by idealising their mother, who eventually merges with reality in a gradual and loving way, leading to the sobering realisation that the mother is not ideal. She is human.
The child that idealises a dysfunctional mother who never sees them, loves them, accepts them or celebrates them gets thrust brutally and suddenly head first into the harshness of reality. And what is that reality? Quite simply, their mother is emotionally unavailable and likely abusive. To cope with the horror of this, the wounded child ‘discards’ the human mother and creates a grandiose false self to offset their pain of being neglected, unwanted and unseen. As a result, the narcissist is born, and the idealise-devalue-discard cycle with it.
All of our relationships tend to have blueprints rooted in our original relationship with our mother and father, and it is no different for the narcissist. And just like the original relationship ended with a discard, so do the others, in a never-ending cycle of repetition compulsion.
A Perpetual Cycle Of Destruction
As narcissists grow into adulthood, they leave a trail of pain and suffering behind, having seduced a string of friends, partners and lovers before brutally discarding them.
With the advent of the sexual liberation movement, the endless choices provided by online dating, along with the modern degradation of the institution of marriage, this cycle is playing out at a far higher rate. Furthermore, it is easier than ever to change cities and settle elsewhere, which also exasperates this dynamic. To top it all off, even the family unit is being decayed in a globalised modern world, making it easier to discard one’s family.
However, this breakdown of society is not uniform. There are still bastions of tradition and rigidity remaining, where monogamy to one’s spouse and loyalty to one’s tribe remains strong — strong enough even to counter the powerful pressure of the narcissist’s idealise-devalue-discard cycle.
The Ones Who Stay
In the West, the marriage rate has dropped immensely over the last half-century. The liberation movement has led to women being far more educated and high-earning than ever. With the radical transformation of society comes far more freedom of choice for all genders. In the past, a divorce might have led to you being ostracised from your village or labelled as damaged goods.
Now, divorce is seen as a legitimate last resort for people to have a chance at an authentic and empowered life. Marriages did not last because they were all great, they lasted because the price for divorce was simply too high.
However, there are still ethnic groups where marriage maintains its staying power. Divorce in these circles is still seen as a nuclear option which many refuse to exercise. Others, in the West or otherwise, may consider their options and still consider divorce too high a price to pay. Chronic loneliness and financial ruin are enough to make anyone think twice. Those dealing with emotional and/or physical abuse are typically caught in a trauma bond, and remain stuck in this despairing hell for decades on end.
Due to this and more, many narcissists remain in their relationships and marriages for decades, often for an entire lifetime. Which leaves the question: What role does the idealise-devalue-discard cycle play in such long-term arrangements?
The Poison Which Slowly Kills
All narcissistic relationships begin with idealisation, regardless of their duration. The core difference between a full idealise-devalue-discard cycle and one that never completes is that the devalue phase gets drawn out for years, slowly and gradually poisoning the narcissist’s spouse or loved one.
Narcissists who cannot or will not leave a relationship typically do not heal over time. They do not learn to love. Instead, they grow colder and more abusive.
The most addictive aspect of a narcissistic relationship is the idealise phase. The target of narcissistic abuse is typically hungry to be loved, seen and accepted, and the narcissist offers this in spades at the beginning in the form of love bombing. What the partner of a narcissist does not realise is that the narcissist is projecting a fantasy onto them. The idealised person is not real; they are a figment of the narcissist’s imagination.
When the partner does not live up to this ideal, it comes as a surprise to both the narcissist and the partner themselves. The partner wants to be ideal, because it is the only thing that wins the narcissist’s ‘love’. And so, the partner does everything in their power to look, behave and say whatever and however the narcissist wishes.
Yet no one is ‘ideal’. Nobody can live up to the narcissist’s fantasy, because it is just that: a fantasy. Over time, the partner inevitably lets the narcissist down. Because the partner is not perfect, the narcissist’s repressed anger and shame bubble to the surface. Without fantasy to numb the pain, the narcissist becomes overwhelmed by negative emotions. Rather than face what they are feeling, the narcissist flips the script and demonises their partner, creating an opposite projection. The narcissist then resorts to insulting the partner, criticising them, ridiculing them, attacking them and abusing them. This is the devaluation phase.
Typically this will eventually end with a discard. Yet as already made clear, with some relationships, the divorce or break up never comes. Instead, the partner becomes crippled with humiliation and shame, and decides that there is something wrong with them. They double down and try again, aiming to live up to the narcissist’s ideal image. They give the narcissist whatever they want, acting in more humiliating ways, begging and fighting for the narcissist’s love.
In other cases, the partner grows disillusioned and resentful, and pulls away.They may grow emotionally cold, start an affair, or begin spending more time with people outside the house. Sensing their partner’s withdrawal, the narcissist begins the idealisation phase again, loving bombing and charmingthe partner to convince them that they have changed. This eventually wins the partner back for a time, before the status quo quickly reasserts itself.
Over the years, the partner becomes riddled with anxiety, shame and stress. Cortisol eats away at them, and the pressure grows too much. They may have long bouts of depression, or physical symptoms may arise. Cysts. Stomach problems. Diabetes. Cancer. Anything is possible.
The Power Of Knowledge And Agency
In the best case, a long-term narcissistic relationship settles into a cold, emotionless, uneasy truce dominated by routine. The sex dries up, the vulnerability disappears, and nobody makes overly big demands or rocks the boat. Rather than physical symptoms appearing, the partner’s soul gradually dies, as they become more and more empty inside.
Occasionally, a huge crisis or tragedy comes over the couple, and a break in consciousness creates space for something to change. This is incredibly rare, but enlightenment may visit the narcissistic relationship in such circumstances, bringing with it sprinkles of love and joy over the barren wasteland. Yet this requires luck, awareness and courage in vulnerability, which most narcissists never embrace.
For the partner of a narcissist who cannot or will not leave, there are always options. They can practice boundary setting. Go to therapy. Carve out physical spaces for rest and healing outside the home. They can educate themselves. Learn defence tactics. They can prioritise healing. They can choose to stop partaking in the drama.
The only exception is when the narcissist is physically abusive or psychopathic, in which case it is the partner’s responsibility to discard and go no contact, and never look back.