How to Become Bulletproof to Abuse

A healthy, happy, empowered human being does not sprout from the soil — they are a product of the consistent meeting of core needs.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs covers this topic reasonably well, yet the following more nuanced list offers better clarity and depth:

As you can see, core needs are always there, yet not always met. A core need can simply be passively neglected, or it can be actively betrayed. Not only are both forms considered abuse, but they also leave a person vulnerable to future abuse.

When your core needs are neglected, you are left with an unquenchable thirst. For example, if your parent was constantly distracted or in their head, you may have felt unseen. You might have been constantly attacked and undermined, which betrayed your need to feel resilient. You may not have been nurtured and supported into entering the world, rather being held back and controlled by a parent. This betrays and neglects your need for growth, among others.

If you felt undesirable, unseen, unworthy and unloved by your parents, you are left with a series of core wounds which emanate from within you 24/7, creating a thirst to be wanted, seen, validated and loved. This leaves you terribly open to abuse, since healthy people will grow exhausted from your unquenchable thirst, and abusers will see an opening to attracting you through the promise of meeting your core needs.

Most people have little awareness of their core wounds, let alone their core needs, let alone how to get them met. To become bulletproof against abuse, you will need to dive deep within your True Self and begin to address these hurt and neglected parts of yourself.

1. Prioritise Your Core Needs

Time is short, and so are your resources, especially if you are running on empty. Start by going through the list and ordering it from 1–12. The item on the top of the list is going to be your top priority, and you can go down from there.

2. Begin By Meeting Your Needs Yourself

This can often feel like a chicken and egg scenario, where in order to love yourself, you feel you need to be loved by another person. Or you struggle to feel significant unless someone else hypes you up, and so on.

However, due to your chronic desperation to have your core needs met, you may also come across as needy or ‘too much’, or you fall straight into the arms of an abuser.

A great first step is to simply admit that you carry a core wound, or that you are desperately starved of a core need. Mere awareness can put you on the path to transformation.

I carried my core need to feel desirable deep inside my shadow for many years. I thought desirability was something for women, not men. Over time, however, I began to widen my awareness, and even to tie my core need to be desirable to my core wound of feeling unseen, insignificant and rejected.

As soon as I became aware of my core wound and owned it, it shifted. A sense of peace came over me, and my neediness and unhealthy behaviours reduced.

3. Spread Out Your Core Needs Across Many People

Those of us who carry trauma often have a post-traumatic tendency to idolise a single person and then rely on them to fill all of our core needs. We look to them for connection, love, validation, visibility, safety and much more. Surprise, surprise, the only people who seem willing to take on this immense and crazy role are abusers.

Therefore, consider how you can spread things out. Find someone with a calm mind and grounded life who is willing to meet once a week for a coffee. Take part in groups, such as dance classes, board game nights, poetry slams, or anything else which resonates with your highest core needs. Be strategic by feeling into your True Self, and using the impulses and aches it provides into planning out your week.

4. Separate Your Core Needs From Your Ego

A massive game-changer for me was when I owned my need for significance, and then channelled it into helping others. Mapping out my journey and sharing it with others in the form of my writing fills my need for significance, while creating opportunities for connection, legitimacy, worthiness and visibility.

Narcissists look to be significant and legitimate only so they can fuel their false self. Their grandiosity informs their every step, and so they become energy vampires while offering little value in return. While it may seem self-centred to focus on your core needs, doing so in a way that serves others allows you to mutually meet needs with your loved ones. That is the essence of relationships.

When you can bring your core wounds out from your shadow and into the light, they transform. When you can love yourself enough to prioritise your core needs, you will grow calm, content and powerful. Above all, your hunger will be satiated, making you bulletproof against abuse.