The Narcissist’s Twilight Years

A narcissist’s ultimate kryptonite, is time.

The ones who derive grandiosity from their appearance get especially panicked, as every passing year further withers their youthfulness. Some narcissists obsess over their health, swallowing countless vitamins while constantly seeking out the next health fad.

You might hear a narcissist declare: “I’m going to live to a hundred!” Such a mindset comes with all sorts of denial-based behaviours. An ageing narcissist might attempt to jump and skip like a child, risking injury in the process. You occasionally spot an old narcissist frequenting a nightclub or bar, looking to maintain their connection to the youth. A narcissist might also dress decades younger than they are. A tight leather skirt, bright-pink hair or an oversized sports t-shirt on a grey-haired person is a dead giveaway.

Such futile attempts at warding off mortality do not necessarily indicate narcissistic personality disorder. A person might have experienced arrested development in childhood, and continues to dwell in the dissociated purgatory of the past, acting and behaving like a teenager.

Perhaps fear of death is to blame. Many of us have yet to come to terms with our mortality. The mere thought of death sends a shudder through us.

When it comes to narcissists, however, the passage of time has unique stakes at play, along with a certain type of terror.

The Beauty Of Dying Before You Die

For the spiritual psychonaut, an ego death is a beautiful gift from the universe. During an enchanted period in time, your mind goes offline. Who you think you are is eviscerated into the ether. Your past and your future. Your reputation and career. All the worldly things that make you who you are: Gone. All of it. What remains?

Such is the magnificence of an ego death. Without the ability to ‘conceive’ of yourself, everything that you are ‘dies’. In its place, pure consciousness emerges. You notice only yourself. That is, you come to identify with the immortal you who lies beyond your mind and body; your God-Self.

Those who experience an ego death come back with a sense of depth, calmness and inner peace. They also return with their fear of physical death greatly diminished. Why? Because they have peeped into the other side, and it wasn’t as bad as they thought. As a matter of fact, it was wonderful. Now they know the truth.

Ego death comes in various ways. It can be initiated by major crises or breakdowns, psychedelic drugs, and of course, impending physical death. Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, uttered the following last words before his death as he passed over:

“Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.”

That pretty much sums it up.

A Lifelong Battle With (Ego) Death

So what about the narcissist? Could they benefit from a bit of ego death?

Perhaps. Yet a narcissist does not see ego death the same as the psychonaut — they do everything in their power to avoid it. The narcissist’s grandiose false self, which has effectively become them, is a product of the ego. If the narcissist lost their ego, they would lose their false self. Without their false self, the narcissist must face the core trauma they left behind decades ago.

Unshielded and exposed, all that would remain is a howling emptiness, fused with a wildfire of trauma and an ocean of shame. It is no surprise that the narcissist spends the majority of their waking hours in the pursuit of narcissistic supply. As long as their false self is fed, they remain protected from what lies beyond it.

Naturally, securing narcissistic supply requires effort. It is a young person’s game. To secure their fuel, a narcissist needs to socialise in groups or enter the dating scene. If they are successful in life, or are blessed with an attractive appearance, then luring in unsuspecting people becomes vastly easier. Propelled by the momentum of youthfulness, the narcissist seduces and spellbinds others into feeding their addiction. As the narcissist reaches the zenith of their life, they feel exhilarated. Immortal, even.

Yet nothing lasts forever. The narcissist learns this the hard way. Eventually, the wheels begin to buckle. The people in the narcissist’s life gradually catch on to the lie, and one by one they distance themselves. The more the narcissist ages, the more their social circles dwindle.

A narcissist who is wise thinks ahead, and gets married. Most importantly, they have children. This ensures them a private kingdom where they hold a position of superiority and importance. The narcissist’s children, deeply attached to their narcissistic parent while gushing with life and love, provide seemingly boundless sustenance for the narcissist’s false self.

That is, until time has its final say.

The Howling End Approaches

Because of their pathology, everything the narcissist touches dies. Meanwhile, time continues unabated, gradually corroding the narcissist’s fantasy world while exposing the harshness of reality. The narcissist’s impulsiveness, arrogance and self-sabotage hinder any progress they make. Friendships fade, businesses wither or collapse, and fortunes are blown on orgies of grandiose showboating. Even the narcissist’s spouse loses their spirit due to the abuse. Extracting supply from them is like getting blood out of a stone. Also, as the children grow older, they wisen up. They begin to distance themselves from their narcissistic parent, fed up with being objectified, manipulated and abused.

For their part, the narcissist fights viciously to keep the children in their orbit. Guilt trips, gaslighting and harsh attempts at control define the power struggle between narcissist and child. As the children reach adulthood and get married, they use their family commitments as an excuse to stay away.

With the unlucky child, the narcissist manages to break their spirit. Mentally ill, brainwashed and trauma bonded, the unlucky child dies a slow, painful spiritual death, sacrificed on the altar of the narcissist’s false self. There the child remains, in their parent’s orbit until the narcissist dies.

Yet married or unmarried, with or without children, every narcissist faces the terrifying prospect of diminishing supply. Unable to find the success of their younger years, they hibernate at home to avoid humiliation. Entering their schizoid phase, the narcissist convinces themselves that the world is stupid, corrupt and unworthy of them. Having given up on a frustrating world, they find relief in their private kingdom.

If the narcissist ends up alone, they will likely medicate their pain with alcohol and drugs, or keep distracted, bingeing on media and television. If the emptiness haunts them too much, the narcissist might venture out into a world that has moved on without them, seeking supply in the form of an awkward, superficial connection with a cashier or stranger.

A narcissist who manages to maintain allies into old age also retreats to their private kingdom, where the mood is cold — much like the narcissist’s howling soul. There they at least have company in their decaying world of yesterday, self-medicating and reminiscing on their heyday, while sucking their remaining companions out of any last drops of supply they can get.

As for the narcissist’s inevitable crossing over, who knows? Perhaps in heaven they will find what they thirsted for their entire life yet were too self-righteous to pursue: The holiest of narcissistic supply, and the restoration of their soul and spirit.