A narcissist is constantly analysing the people they meet for signs of insecurity, people-pleasing tendencies, malleability, cooperation, and most of all; signs that they wear their shame on their sleeve.
A person who personifies shame, whether in a wholehearted, healthy way or in a toxic way, is open to being influenced. They cooperate with and respond to external cues and don’t mind sharing power.
When a narcissist meets another narcissist, they immediately see red. A narcissist doesn’t exhibit the above qualities. You can usually spot two narcissists in a social group when they sit on opposite sides of a table and coolly stare each other down, or begin battling it out for supremacy by trying to win allies or ‘win’ the conversation.
The narcissist is alert and aware. They engage, they make intense eye contact, and they are always on the lookout for situations where they can influence and dominate. Even a covert narcissist will find ways to keep the attention on them in unassuming ways. In comparison, a normal person is usually just looking for ways to connect and be accepted, as well as to contribute to the group.
While the social ‘game’ is being played out among those with healthy shame, the narcissists spot each other and quietly go about finding ways to dominate while navigating around each other. Sometimes one of them wins out, and the other one disengages. They do this by leaving, withdrawing to another space in the room, or putting physical objects between them and others.
In other situations, one narcissist wins out by subjugating the other narcissist. They do this by shaming the other narcissist and asserting their dominance, and the two narcissists begin to cooperate as a hierarchical unit hellbent on obtaining narcissistic supply.