The Lurking Danger Of The Aware Narcissist

Narcissism is like a computer program with a predictable set of rules.

It starts with a dissociated, imaginary construct of the mind known as the false self, which compensates for a traumatised, shame-bound core. No matter what, a narcissist needs to constantly fuel this false self with narcissistic supply in the form of adulation, attention, sex, material goods or being served.

To fill the gaps in their dissociated reality, the narcissist gaslights themselves and others to form a Frankenstein truth, all in a desperate attempt to come across as ‘sane’ and ‘normal’.

A narcissist bonds with an idealisation rather than a real person, and when the real person infringes on the narcissist, the narcissist devalues and tosses them away. This cycle repeats infinitely until the narcissist dies or gives up on relationships, or the world gives up on them.

The narcissist hoovers old flames and friends when supply is low, and picks fights to get an emotional rise from you so they can better manipulate you. This list of ‘programs’ goes on and on.

When a narcissistic personality forms in early childhood, consciousness is effectively lost. The narcissist’s awareness and their True Self remain trapped in the pitch-black basement of the false self. Meanwhile, the false self hijacks the ego, and takes over the job of interacting with the world, cutting out the True Self in the process. Rather than the ego working in tandem with the wisdom and instinct of the True Self, the false self plays its rigid and predictable narcissistic programs. All of this is unconscious, and the narcissist remains on track for an equally predictable and miserable ending.

That is, however, until they awaken.

When A Narcissist Loses Their Mind

I once found myself having a conversation with a narcissist about the authentic Self and the human mind. They seemed genuinely curious, so I explained the process of detaching from the ego and instead directing your conscious awareness further inside.

The narcissist looked into the distance for a moment, scrunched their face, then said nonchalantly: “No, I like my mind.”

This was an enlightening moment for me.

I believe that most narcissists have little awareness of their pathology, much like fish probably have no idea they are swimming in water. But whether it is through divine intervention, or a fleeting conversation which reveals the lake the narcissist swims in, i.e. the ‘false self’, some narcissists will inevitably reach a point of awareness about the ocean. But what then?

As the trembling narcissist directs their consciousness into that dark void where the True Self is imprisoned, repressed drops of trauma, toxic shame and grief begin to seep into the narcissist’s blood. It is at this moment that they will turn away, thankful that they have their false self to protect them from the deluge inside. The false self is a powerful dam holding back a lifetime of trauma from breaking through, and it is an endless supply of dopamine and fantasy, able to conjure grandiose visions which numb the narcissist’s pain.

Better to stay where it’s safe, no?

However, the false self is also an unforgiving deity which demands that constant sacrifices be laid at its altar. Discarded sources of supply, endless days lost feeding the narcissist’s many addictions, constant drama and wasted potential — the tyrannical false self is a god who is never pleased, and allows no rest for the narcissist.

Caught between these two harsh realities, the narcissist peeks across at their new-found awareness with a cynical sense of hope.

Redemption, Or Descent Into Evil?

Just because a narcissist is aware of their pathology, does not mean they can simply decide to be someone else — let alone be the person their loved ones want them to be. Narcissism is a terrible trauma formed in early childhood which sets the narcissist on a far-off tangent away from mental health and authentic actualisation.

The narcissist’s dilemma is as complex as it is tragic. The narcissist carries a deeply-lodged, traumatised core which threatens to destroy them. The narcissist has also spent most of their life dissociated, so they are nowhere near developed enough to be a healthy member of a society. And finally, the narcissist’s True Self remains barren and undeveloped behind their traumatised core. They remain unable to feel love, empathy or anything else resembling humanity. Even if they could access their True Self unobstructed by trauma, the narcissist would need to start from scratch. Does anyone have the patience, resilience, humility and strength to pursue such a treacherous undertaking? The narcissist certainly does not. Salvation remains a pipe dream.

The only other option, is nihilism.

When someone develops awareness, change is inevitable. No unconscious pattern can withstand the light of consciousness. This applies equally to the narcissist. While they cannot undo what they are, they can gradually detach from the grip of the false self, along with all of its exhausting patterns. This moment in the narcissist’s history is where their malignant, psychopathic nature may arise.

Humans are complex, and narcissism and other personality disorders exist on a spectrum. Some narcissists have been raised with and exposed to a morality which challenges their darker impulses. In such cases, they may choose the path of partial redemption, as nihilism and psychopathy prove too challenging and painful. That is, they would be evil if they could, but remain held back by a somewhat-intact conscience.

For the unhinged narcissist, however, it becomes a case of ‘why not’? Using awareness and detachment to pick the locks of their bondage, the narcissist sheds their chains and frees themselves of the false self. All that remains within them is the barren wasteland of their True Self, and a core trauma that threatens to destroy them.

Rather than merely seek out narcissistic supply like an addict, the now-malignant narcissist pursues sadistic pleasures, domination, money and other forms of power. They dream up scenarios and purposely manipulate people into cooperating. They hurt and humiliate others simply because. They grow cold, calculating and vengeful.They set grandiose and lofty goals, and break all the rules of morality in pursuing them.

And with that, a psychopath is born.